Why I'm A Better Mom In My Fantasy Life

Because in my fantasy life, Teen doesn't come to me before my morning coffee and proudly parade his Facebook page with beer quotes in front of me:

"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
Winston Churchill 

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George F. Burns 

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra 

And in my fantasy life, Teen doesn't laugh in my face when I lecture him on how things he posts on the internet for the world to see could effect how people think of him or even his chances for getting a decent job. 

And in my fantasy life, I'm not a Hypocrite Mom who posts things on the internet for the world to see that could effect how people think of me or even my chances for getting a decent job.

And in my fantasy life, I certainly don't own a t-shirt like this:

Stay tuned:  Shagging Up With The Boyfriend--A San Francisco Treat

posted at Humor-Blogs

In Which I Blog About Beer (T-shirts)

Day three of not blogging about beer (and not blogging about not blogging about beer). Today I will tell a true story. A sad story.

A few years ago my Spousal Unit became enamored with a brass corkscrew that my parents owned. It was a small figure of a boy with the screw part coming out of his di...ding-a-ling (see why I'm so messed up).

When we returned home, Spousal Unit rushed to the computer. Three days later, the very same corkscrew arrived in the mail.



From here on in I shall refer to my Spousal Unit as my Ebayer.

I'd be scooping Hot Wheels out of the toilet when he'd yell from the computer, Hey, did you know there are currently 226,334 t-shirts for sale on eBay?

I'd be scraping Silly Putty from the freezer door when he'd yell, Wow! 'You Gotta Be Shirting Me' is selling shirts starting at 99 cents!

I'd be lecturing the kids about putting socks in the fishbowl (again) when he'd call out, 'Shirts R Us' has a 99.8% positive feedback rating!

Soon shirts began arriving in the mail. And I noticed a theme. The first one is what you call vintage:



The next one came NWT (new with tags):




Then more and more arrived. Here is the requisite polo:





For the Record, I've got nothing against my Ebayer ordering a few shirts from the net. But little by little, I saw it for what it was--a slippery slope. And not one easy to hide from the public.

It began with this shirt which includes a quote by Benjamin Franklin (a quote I couldn't agree more with):



And then this one arrived with another, less literary quote:



And when this shirt arrived, I knew it was time to put my foot down:



I guess those junior high health teachers were right. Beer t-shirts are a gateway clothing to Crack t-shirts.

Help me beat the shirts off of those other guys at Humor-Blogs.



ps Here is the eBay link to get your own brass corkscrew.

Baseball or Beer? Don't Make Me Choose

And so the school year ends and the Ten-Year Old, a Texas Ranger, is playing against the Yankees. If they win, they challenge the Cardinals at 5:00 this evening. Which is a Problem. A Big one. My dear friends are hosting a fundraiser for their Unitarian Universalist Church at 5:00 this evening. Not that I'm all religious-like. But the fundraiser is a beer tasting.

With beer.

What to do?

My son is a pitcher.



My friends are beer connoisseurs.

And did I mention it's a fundraiser?

It's all about balance. So I go to the beer tasting instead of the first half of the game. And without trying to sterotype, you gotta love those UUs. They bike to their beer tastings, they wear Birkenstocks, they make great Costco gaucamole. And you get to know people like Pat (pictured with the lovely Mrs. Host in the background).



A few years ago, because Pat's significant other doesn't like to travel, she took her 16-year old grandson for a 39 day trip on the Oregon Trail while listening to ICP all the way there. On the return trip, she insisted he listen to her classical music. He slept the whole way.

Here is the host of our tasting wearing a Lord of the Beer shirt (more meaningful if you realize he's an American History teacher of Slovenian descent who does Irish Step Dancing).



Lord of the Beer begins the event with an Egyptian proverb: “Do not cease to drink beer, to eat, to intoxicate thyself, to make love, and to celebrate the good days.”

I couldn't agree more.

We start with lagers from Slovenia and work our way up the hops scale. We are told that the difference between lagers and ales is that one is bottom yeast fermented and one is top. Plus lagers are brewed at a cooler temperature.

Before the next selection is brought out, a Czech proverb is read: “A fine beer may be judged with only one sip, but it's better to be thoroughly sure.”

I take a few extra sips to make sure.

I stagger to the nearby baseball diamond. I arrive in time to wipe away the tears from my son's eyes because they lost quickly to the team that was stacked with the most "travel team" players. We return home (with the promise of a Webkins for being a good sport) and I stager back over to the fundraiser.

I'm oddly committed that way.

By now the UUs are into the IPAs (India Pale Ale). We learn they get their name from the British trade route to India where they stored the brew at warmer temperatures to help preserve it. ( I'm convinced if the Brits would have landed in the Middle East, they would have added hops to the toubouli).



We also learn there's a debate in the beer world about the trend to add extra hops, which raises the alcohol content to the equivalent of a bottle of bourbon. While the brew master of Brooklyn Brewry thinks this is like adding more salt to a really tasty dish, the Bells and the Dogfish Head folks think it's like adding more garlic to the hommos.

And after several glasses of double IPAs, I couldn't agree more. I love garlicy hommos.

Soon there's another quote: “Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, It makes you lean....against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.”

And then out come the stouts.

And the Belgians.

And the home brew.

And the continuous calls from kids at home, too lazy to make themselves something to eat.

What to do?

I fill a bowl with torilla chips and borrow a tub of gaucamole form the refrigerator. This is the beauty of friends who are Unitarian. They let you take things. I stagger home to the lovely family.

Before I depart, another quote is read. This one by Benjamin Franklin: "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

I couldn't agree more.



Hey, I'm off to the West Coast again--this time with the family. If all works out, I'll have some scheduled "stuff" posted. If all doesn't work out, check out Humor-Blogs. My ratings are slipping there faster than my parenting skills.