Thursday, September 3, 2009

That Other English Teacher Is Trying To Kill Me, Too

You know how some bloggers exaggerate the truth for purposes of humor?
Well, I water it down as to not appear as crazy as I really am.

Although I think it's the people around me who are the crazy ones.

I wrote a post the other day about helping Teen Son write a 1500 word essay on "Blowin' In The Wind."

I told you that Monday morning he was pounding the mouse madly on the desk, shouting, What else can I write? I need 1200 more words! What should I say?

I told you I was spitting out ideas left and right, pacing like a krazed Kramer. What I didn't tell you was that Teen Daughter was in the family room writing a five paragraph essay on how to succeed in school. So the pacing back and forth was from essay to essay.

What does cannon balls fly mean? Teen Son barks.

I think it has to do with war, I tell him.

I need three more sentences in the expectations paragraph, Teen Daughter shrieks. I have to have a total of five.

Have you used the buzzed words: engagement, meaningful learning, deep thinking? I say.

How do spell Zimmerman?

Wait, no first, I need two more sentences in the learning environment paragraph. Just two more.

No, you've got to help me, I only have 626 words.

What do I say in the conclusion?

Who's Pete Seeger? Hurry, I'm going to be late for school.

Daughter finished first, snapped her notebook shut and demanded her brother drive her (the 3 blocks) to school.

Only brother needed 412 more words.

So Daughter proceeded to...how can I put this gently...have a full-fledged meltdown in the family room. The Other Parental Unit stepped in and drove her (the 3 blocks) to school, in one of the (5) cars in our driveway.

Teen made it to 1480 words, rushed out of the house and wildly began backing up his car on the grass around car #4--the 1975 Cadillac.

I bolted out in my pjs and bare feet, dodged the piles of dog doo doo in the yard--we've got a lot of poop going on in our lives right now--to guide him. When he backed into the fence I screamed like a Miley Cyrus fan. When he pulled forward and then backed into the Cadillac, I screamed like a Miley Cyrus fan on crack.

Later that day, just when I thought my nervous system had recovered, Gradeschooler comes home and tells me he has to write for 15 minutes.

He sits down and diligently begins.

After 88 seconds he says, Has it been 15 minutes yet?

Two minutes later he says, Has it been 15 minutes yet?

Three minutes later he says, Is my time up yet?

A minute a half later he says, Why are you drinking that beer so early?

If English teachers are going to send work home with a prescribed number of words, sentences and minutes, they should send home some Xanax as well, don't you think?



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posted at Humor-Blogs


12 comments:

Chasity said...

I'm sorry about your car and your fence. And I'm also stating for the record that beer thirty sometimes might maybe begin a bit early around here, as well. I do have a helpful hint for you- sanity could very well possibly lie with the oven timer. It's the only way on earth I avoid 3,654 questions in 15 minutes time.

ReformingGeek said...

I'm sending virtual alcohol your way!

April said...

I'm reading this with a glass of wine next to me. I usually reserve that glass until after all the nightly duties are done. But while I was making dinner, Riley refused to do her Math homework. Her best subject. I poured wine to go with dinner tonight.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Ack! I remember that post and I can't believe there was ANOTHER kid nearby demanding essay input as well. AND you have 5 cars in the driveway?? AND you have dog doo all over the place? How. In the Hell. Do you do it?

Oh, that's right. The Xanax.

Lilacspecs said...

The word limit thing I can sort of understand, although I find it a bit archaic pedagogically. But having to write for a prescribed amount of time? I see no point to that. An inspired person can write something more profound in ten minutes than an uninspired person can in 45.

Wynn said...

All that sounds -awesome-. I'm already looking forward to it. And I gotta learnt how to drink wine...

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Maybe I should have a beer BEFORE assigning things to my students? Would that help?

A Free Man said...

Man, I've got poop coming out of my ears right now. So, I hear you.

Nooter said...

piles of dog doo doo in the yard...

kinda reminds me of home

Momo Fali said...

At least your kids ask for help with something you're good at! My daughter asks for help with long division. It makes me want to cry.

WeaselMomma said...

Homework - It is the work of the devil. "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."- Ben Franklin
It was nice meeting you at blogher and am sorry it has taken me so long to visit. Truly, my loss.

WeaselMomma said...

BTW, we had drinks at the bar.