Thursday, January 22, 2009

Tuesdays With Buddhist Buddy--The Straight One (Part I)

“What the ….?” I say, paging through InStyle magazine. I friggin’ can’t believe it!

The younger girls get to wear Bohemian skirts and we’re wearing pencil! 

They get scoop-necks, we get turtlenecks! 

They get wedges and we’re stuck with slingbacks! 

I guess while I've been running to lacrosse games, something else has been running too—my youth. Apparently I’ve moved from one style category to another--from the “hip” Young to the “not-so-hip” Not Young category. 

How.   Did.   This.   Friggin’.   Happen?

I mean, I’m used to being Young; I've been young foreeevvver. I know what Young looks like—me, 16, long braids, short uniform, pouring coffee for a group of Saturday boaters at my dad’s restaurant. They smile at me. Flirt. One of them invites me to local swim hole. I’ve been Young for four full decades. 

Four. Full. Decades! 

But with this Not Young stage, I’m still figuring out if I can wear skinny jeans.

I need help.


Wait. Breathe.


If he were a woman, he’d call his best friend.

Buddhist Buddy--the straight one--arrives forty-five minutes later with yerba mate in tow. She’s as close to granola as you can get without throwing it up. Her hair, face, legs, peanut butter and clothing are au natural. But she’s a very wise woman and I love her dearly.

I pour a glass of wine for me, and we sit at the kitchen table. And then it all spills…not the wine, the InStyle, the skinny jeans...

And then…. I see her lips mouthing something….wait….what the...? 

Midlife Crisis?

I’m not having a midlife crisis because I am not midlife. I mean, aren’t 40s the new 30s?

“But it’s OK Meg. Or you could wait till you’re fifty to have a crisis.” (to Buddhists time is meaningless).

“But 50 is Old,”  Did I say she was wise? I lied.

Everyone knows it’s a bigger leap to go from Young to Not Young than from Not Young to Old. Old people know they’re Old. They’ve been Old for a while. 

And I apologize to you, if you’re Old. But I’m sure you’re used to it.

Of course, Young and Old have little meaning to her. She’s taken her Bodhisattva vow, which pledges to wait to reach enlightenment until everyone has reached it. 

She’ll be waiting a long time for me.

But seriously, can I still wear skinny jeans? What about embellished tank tops?  Buddhist Buddy has no clue. Email me, I need to know.

Disclaimer: If you're expecting a happy ending, stop reading now.

And here’s what else bothers me, “On top of my fading Youngness,” …. I continue, swigging my wine, “I’m a mother. 

A mother. Me! 

Mothers make Jell-o. They wear control-top panties. They get Ma’amed regularly—at the clinc and the checkout counter: Have a good day, ma’am. Boaters don’t flirt with ma’ams. Cheryl Tiegs wasn’t a ma’am!”

Buddhist Buddy furrows her eyebrows.

“Cheryl Tiegs. The model.” You remember Cheryl Tiegs, don’t you? I first saw her photo on the back of Seventeen in junior high. I was convinced I had something to look forward to—being a woman. I couldn’t wait for my body to change, to start my period, to shave my legs. Soon I’d wear eye shadow, use Sun In, French kiss Dennis Peters. Soon I’d be a woman like Cheryl.
I was betrayed. Cheryl wasn’t a woman. She would swim in women’s clothing. She was Young. Young! Probably jail bait.

Buddhist Buddy sips her tea. “Become one with your Not Youngness,” she advises. Easy for her to say. She can become one with a tree.

She picks up a Vogue with Scarlett Jo Hansen on the cover and begins sifting through it.
“What is she, like 12?” I grab it from her and toss it to the floor. Yes, I do have a dramatic side

“You want to know my latest guilty pleasure?” I ask her, pouring a second drink. “When I read in Celebrity Birthdays that another actress has turned 40, like Edie Falco or Julianne Moore, I celebrate. God, the day Nicole Kidman turned the big 4-0, I cracked open the champagne.”

“Were not getting older but better,” my friend chirps.

Oh yes, the aging spin. Next, she’ll want to take me to Menopause the Musical.

“But better is hard work,” I say a bit louder than I’d intended. “Better means concealer and control-top underwear." 

I know Buddhists see life as suffering, but pleeeaase....control-top underwear?

Clearly I need another drink.


Make an old chick feel better and vote for this post at Humor-Blogs.


Candice said...

I think you should put on a cute thong. It will make you feel better. Trust me.

Control top underwear? Only if I'm planning on jumping out of a plane. I'll carry that bitch as a reserve chute..

Kevin John said...

Hey Meg-
Caught you over @ VE's giving them crap. Funny as hell!

But seriously as a male (and a studly well developed male I might add), I used to think most girls over 30 are old, but now that I've matured, I only think women over 31are old!

Hope that makes you feel better...
hee hee

The Self-Deprechaun said...

Meg you are no oldie. You are a young, spry hippie who loves Wilco. That's what I am too so let's stop talking number and get all medicinal herbs in this place. You go girl.

for a different kind of girl said...

Young does keg stands. I think we should do that. Thoughts?

Recently, I wrote a post that may have alluded to some aches and pains I was having as a result of the age, and someone in comments said all was well, they understood, for they, too were going through The Menopause. I was all, WHA??! Huh! I'm YOUNG! Young doesn't do menopause!!

Seriously. Keg stands.

Anonymous said...

Just so ya know-- "old" is something you never get used to. Ever ever ever.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Young is as young does. ;-)

I'm not sure Buddhist buddies are the best advisors when you want a w(h)inefest.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Candice - A cute thong will make me feel better? Darling, you ARE high.

Kevin - Yes, VE brings out my alter-ego.

Self-D Man - I guess I can always play the WILCO card. Thanks for reminding me.

FADKOG - Really. What's wrong with people?

Papercages - I am sorry for your pain.

Jen - Yes, if only I had some Druid buddies.

sage said...

Hey, watch it, 50 ain't old! I tell myself that every morning :)

Ms Picket To You said...

young does as young will -- when drunk and attempting a keg stand while also making sure the muffin top doesn't show.

Chas said...

I once told my mother (while still in my teens) that she needed make up and a color rinse for her birthday. Imagine my surprise when I looked into the mirror on my birthday this year and realized THAT I NEEDED MAKE UP AND A FREEKIN COLOR RINSE. Karma sucks.

KayFour said...

40 is not old... and neither is 50. I should know. :)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I dunno. Its all about the quality. I'll be 39 this year and I can honestly say I am a lot more peaceful than I was at 29. Being almost 40 is like graduating from high school, writ large: you start to realize that a lot of the stuff you got yourself twisted up about doesn't mean a thing. And that mean people get fat and bald too. And that a-ha WAS a really good band.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

Sage - You? I never would have guessed.

Ms. P - I never drink and keg stand.

Chas - Yep. Karma Sucks. That's what I keep telling Buddhist Buddy.

KayFour - Wow. You're Buddhist, too?

Sheild Baby - 40 is so close to the 30s, sure you're peaceful. It's when you're actually 41+ that you're off and running.

VE said...

Of course you realize that in Medieval times you'd already be dead from old age... ;)

Kirsten said...

I WILL vote for you for sure.
I think I'm in the middle of a mid life crisis! I need an answer on the whole skinny jean thing. I'm turning 40 in a couple of weeks. My world is spinning out of control!!

Chris Wood said...

I think I'd get worried when the high top underwear seems not just a good one, but an essential. Until then, you've nothing to worry about.

I'm pretty sure people like you never get old. And if you do, may I recommend extra hedonism? Besides,
Mariah Carey's younger than you. Would you trade places?

sage said...

actually, I passed 50 in January 2007!