Wednesday, August 27, 2008

On I'm a Techno Retard

It’s amazing that you’re reading this post. Really. Cause I am a Techno Retard and not a PC one (politically correct one, that is). I find myself totally confused about all things computer.

I don't know my uploads from my downloads,

my photo shop from my photo bucket,

my Quicktime from my MP3CPO.

You know the RSS—Real Simple Syndication? For me, it isn't.

As a blogger, I have issues. For example, I remain manipulation-less.

While some bloggers host caption contests with photos crafted from expensive software, me, I take my dolls off the shelves and contort them in strange ways on my dining room table.

And this can be a pain with the talent. Would Sonny appear without Cher? Would Fonze get a complex for being confused with the Six Million Dollar Man?

Plus it prompts a bevy of questions from the stream of 10-year old boys passing through on their way to the Mario Den. I grow tired of telling them, "ASK YOUR HEALTH TEACHER."

I also don’t scan.

See this photo of me and Alice Cooper: It’s a digital photo of a photo.

Yep, that's how I roll. I mean click.

Another thing I don’t do is Stumble.

Or rather, I stumbled many times trying to install the frickin’ code.

The directions stated to place the code on line 663. I tried the sophisticated method of measuring 10 lines as a scale and then using it to scroll down the HTML -- High, Totally (high) Maintenence Language or Hideous, Torturous, Maddening Language or Horrible, Terrible (very) Mad Lingo.

But I kept getting interrupted by my kids asking the most inane questions. Mom, can you sign this emergency medical form? Mom, did you make out the lunch order yet? Mom, isn't it time for the soccer game?

I finally lost count and today remain thumbless.

But who needs these fancy programs anyway? Recently, out of fancy button-envy, I figured I could Quickdraw the old-fashioned way--by hand.

I placed my John Cusack finger puppet on a white sheet of paper and then wrote my email in a Sharpie and took a photo of it. I did this six times trying to get all words straight on the diagonal. It wasn't until 9:45 pm when Ten-Year asked what was for dinner, I was forced to settle on this one:

And it worked just fine. This button was up on my site, begging for mail.

Until last week.

I got a comment on my blog from someone named Diesel (although I suspect his real name is something common like Bob) that informed me my name was misspelled.


My name on the email button is: pegcyher

My name is real life is: pegcypher

I misspelled my own name!!!!

So you see why I love Jeff Deck?

You see why I abandoned my first blog because of the misspelled 'surburban'?

You see why my editor, Linda, awarded me this trophy?

But it's not a disregard. It's that I'm a retard. That simple.

Still, there is one thing I'm working on. I figure if I use in my post title, Google has a better chance of finding me. I noticed that Predator Press did this.

Yeah!!! It worked!!!!

Meanwhile, make a semi-retard's day and click the smiley at Humor-Blogs.


Vodka Mom said...

you may be a retard, but you are a FUNNY retard. Ha

Bex said...

Vodka Mom is right - you are a funny retard! I'm right there with you, though. My RSS feed was screwing up for a while and I was like, "Oh, no! Who do I call?" I actually sent Diesel an email and he responded with a very polite, "Gee. I have no idea why YOUR computer is screwing up. Perhaps you should CALL an IT guy or something???"

Jinksy said...

We can't all be technically inclined, otherwise the world would be filled with people like me.

Feel better now?

Deb said...

Can I join the Techno Retard club? Note on my blog that the smiley widget is at the top of my posts instead of at the bottom. That's because I am lucky I even got that stinkin' widget to show up in my posts at all. This forces both people who read my posts to scroll back up to the beginning to click if they so desire. Think of all the potentially lost smiley clicks because people don't want to scroll back up. Life sucks.

for a different kind of girl said...

That's what RSS stands for?! I had no clue. I may be just as internet illiterate as you claim to be. It's why I have the same old stupid standard template, and if people mention 'code' around me, I assume they're a spy!

Chat Blanc said...

I'm on the techno short bus right now. But I figure it's better to be a retard than a fucktard. right? ;)

ksd said...

Who are you again??? It's been so long I forgot -- in the "old days" spelling was important to you -- remember "ie" not "y"

Jenn Thorson said...

You met Alice Cooper. Thereby automatically making you very cool.

Also, honesty about having tech problems?

Still cool. :)

I will go click your smiley.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I'm a techno retard too, so don't worry. The photo I used for my header was made with Microsoft Paint, the cheap ass version of Photoshop. I don't even know if you can buy it anymore.

And is it Meg or Peg? I'm so confused. What do you want us to call besides "techno retard"? ;)

Meg said...

Vodka Mom: Thanks. So are you. I mean, 'funny' that is.

Bex: IT guy? You mean like an It girl? Yum.

Deb: Yes! It's a Techno Retard Drinking Club.

DKofG: Actually I think RSS means Really Stupid and Sucky.

Chat Blanc: I'm not sure a retard could answer that question.

Ksd: You are making things more confusing.

Jenn: I am a Stalker, you know.

Unfin....: You can call me Peg or Meg. Just don't call me late for Happy Hour.

Jay said...

That pic of you and Alice Cooper is rad. Or is it Suh-weet? Or bitchin'? Okay, it's all of those. ;-)

I keep thinking of putting the "dig it" or "stumble it" HTML on my posts, but it all seems like so much effort.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Soul Sister here. I'm so bad at the techno thing that Humor Blogs won't even let me click anymore. They keep redirecting me to other blogs every time I try to vote for you.

Sad, sad, sad.

When is your next trip to A2? I think we need to get a beer somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Love It
. Love It.

JT said...

ROFL! I can totally relate! The worst is when I do it with my words tho'. By God, I will spit it out with my mouth even if it takes me 10 tries!
Hmmm, that sounds kinda dirty doesn't it? Think I need to go wash my mouth, er, brain out with soap.

Sensei said...

Embrace your technical retardom, Meg. If there weren't people like us, IT people wouldn't have anyone to scream at and their God complex would go to waste.

Meg said...

Jay: Me and Alice go way back--back to when I was a blond.

Jen: Beer? Is it 5:00 yet?

Anon: Love IT, too!

JT: I love IT when you comment that way.

Teacher: I'm trying to embrace it. And some of those IT guys.

Kirsten said...

LMAO!! I love your John Cusak finger puppet! High-larious! I want one.

Ms Picket To You said...

listen i just learned what qwerty means. but that being said, someone (younger) asked me if "pto" is like the new "lol."

Suzie said...

Youre too funny. I cant do any of that stuff either. I take al phots from my cell phone and email it to myself. Im very high teck

JD at I Do Things said...

Aw! You're a lovable retard! I love that you misspelled your name.

JD at I Do Things

Maureen said...

Har! I can relate to the spelling (gad, I just spelled it "speeling" - TWICE) errors.

I write a post quickly, but take ages to proofread. How the hell can I mis-spell more words than not? Even after I hit "publish" I find errors.

Maybe we need a new category that I could join: Techno-Retard-Dyslexic. (Man, I hope I spelled that right).

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