That Other English Teacher Is Trying To Kill Me, Too

You know how some bloggers exaggerate the truth for purposes of humor?

Well, I water it down as to not appear as crazy as I really am.

Although I think it's the people around me who are the crazy ones.

I wrote a post the other day about helping Teen Son write a 1500 word essay on "Blowin' In The Wind."

I told you that Monday morning he was pounding the mouse madly on the desk, shouting, What else can I write? I need 1200 more words! What should I say?

I told you I was spitting out ideas left and right, pacing like a krazed Kramer. What I didn't tell you was that Teen Daughter was in the family room writing a five paragraph essay on how to succeed in school. So the pacing back and forth was from essay to essay.

What does cannon balls fly mean? Teen Son barks.

I think it has to do with war, I tell him.

I need three more sentences in the expectations paragraph, Teen Daughter shrieks. I have to have a total of five.

Have you used the buzzed words: engagement, meaningful learning, deep thinking? I say.

How do spell Zimmerman?

Wait, no first, I need two more sentences in the learning environment paragraph. Just two more.

No, you've got to help me, I only have 626 words.

What do I say in the conclusion?

Who's Pete Seeger? Hurry, I'm going to be late for school.

Daughter finished first, snapped her notebook shut and demanded her brother drive her (the 3 blocks) to school.

Only brother needed 412 more words.

So Daughter proceeded to...how can I put this gently...have a full-fledged meltdown in the family room. The Other Parental Unit stepped in and drove her (the 3 blocks) to school, in one of the (5) cars in our driveway.

Teen made it to 1480 words, rushed out of the house and wildly began backing up his car on the grass around car #4--the 1975 Cadillac.

I bolted out in my pjs and bare feet, dodged the piles of dog doo doo in the yard--we've got a lot of poop going on in our lives right now--to guide him. When he backed into the fence I screamed like a Miley Cyrus fan. When he pulled forward and then backed into the Cadillac, I screamed like a Miley Cyrus fan on crack.

Later that day, just when I thought my nervous system had recovered, Gradeschooler comes home and tells me he has to write for 15 minutes.

He sits down and diligently begins.

After 88 seconds he says, Has it been 15 minutes yet?

Two minutes later he says, Has it been 15 minutes yet?

Three minutes later he says, Is my time up yet?

A minute a half later he says, Why are you drinking that beer so early?

If English teachers are going to send work home with a prescribed number of words, sentences and minutes, they should send home some Xanax as well, don't you think?

******

posted at Humor-Blogs

That English Teacher Is Trying To Kill Me

I'm all for Teen learning to write--but a 1500-word essay on how a song of Teen's choice relates to Teen's world view... 

The Song of Choice: Blowin' in The Wind

The World View: under-developed

The Word Count So Far: 327

Teen types frantically on the computer in the living room pleading, Mom, Mom what else can I write? What can I say? What does white dove sail mean to you?  Help! This is due.

Welcome to Monday Morning.  

Even though the assignment was started Sunday evening, it takes Writer/Teacher Mom to give him the expert last minute advice: just BS your way through it.

But how?

Did you include the lyrics?

No.

Wouldn't that give you 300 extra words?

Good idea.  He copies and pastes the song.  OK. Now I need 900 more.

Did you talk about Dylan's background?  I mean, adding the name Robert Zimmerman a lone gives you 2 more words, doesn't it?

Great.  OK.  What else? What else? What else? he bangs the mouse on the desk.  

Did you google the background of the song, I say pacing the room like Kramer. Did you write what Dylan said the first time he performed the song: this ain't no protest song?

Ain't...no...protest...song.  That's 4 more words.  I'm at 725.  

Did you mention Pete Seeger?

Pete...Seeger.  That's 727.

No, I mean that Pete Seeger identified the tune as a Negro spiritual.

Negro....spiritual... That's 803 words.

How about Peter, Paul and Mary?  That's at least three more words, I add.

Actually that's four. He attacks the keyboard.

Did you mention Vietnam? Or Greenwich Village? 

Did you mention Enabler? The Other Parental Unit calls from the kitchen?  

Ignore that man behind the refrigerator, I command.  Did you write about having seen Dylan in concert? 

Great...that should give me another 34 words....

How about....

Well, I bet you can imagine the rest.

Or can you? 

If you imagined that Teen came up 20 words short of the 1500 and being late for school, raced out of the house, madly backed up his car on the grass around the car parked behind it, and hit on first try, the fence and on second try, his dad's 1975 Cadillac...

then you've imagined correctly.

But hey.  Teen's world view included world peace, anti-discrimination and gay rights. 

And he did choose a Dylan song.

So This Enabler must have done something right.

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posted at Humor-Blogs

Road Rage on the Information Highway

I’ve been doing a little blog hopping lately and I’ve noticed a few folks have gotten hit with the anonymous stick it up your behind. That’s when some asshat—I love that word—drops a critical comment.

This then gets everyone in a silent uproar with comments flying back and forth more furiously than angry deaf people signing insults.


I feel badly for Bloggers being hit by these asshats. But I'm here to say that Bloggers you are not alone.

[cue Close Encounters of the Third Kind music]

This kind of rage is going on everywhere—from the Chat Rooms of California to the gossip sites of the New York Islands.

Even on You Tube, whose main purpose should be to watch videos of water buffalo being attached by a crocodile and a pride of lions, anonymous asshats are leaving their tracks.

I mean, what could be more benign than Bonnie Raitt singing a John Prine song?




Yet, dimwits who must be seriously lacking in sudoku puzzles need to add their two cents:

......"The harmonies totally make this song. John Prine may be a great songwriter but he sucks because he refuses to harmonize. Fuck him."......

...."No, fuck you."......

.…."bryan adams just got a redemption point".....

...."Its an Ok song with nice lyrics, but heard better.......Song have some nice melodies and harmonies, but in my opinion lacking some edge and hooks."......

....."Adult contemporary music makes me want to do veerry bad things".......

...."Don't get me started on the talk-singing.".....

....."talk singing? damn i just heard the dumbest thing ive ever heard two days ago and now this!!! what the hell is happening, maybe just too much damn tv,
try reading a book, "talk singing" ahhh you idiot its called rap".....

....."If Bob Dylan could have been anyone he wanted, he'd have been John Prine."........

....."I'm pretty sure, you asshat, that if Dylan were born a generation later, he'd have wanted to be Jeff Tweedy."....

Everybody's a critic, I guess.OK. OK. That last one is mine.


But frankly I don’t get why people waste their time dropping these comments.

Worse still are the folks who waste their time reading them.

But not me, of course.

Or not you reading them here, of course.

Or not my friend Cooper who sent them my way. Thanks Coop!


And speaking of thanks, I'd like to thank Jen of Michigan for this most exclusive award:



But since I already had one, I ripped this one off of her site:



And while I was there I ripped this off, too:




Jen is an Obama supporter and a wonderful writer, a teacher, a mom, a wife, and although I haven’t yet experienced this first hand (hint), a cook. Check out her blog A2EatWrite.



And now I'd like to present this award to three other outstanding bloggers. AND GUYS, IF YOU'RE NOT INTO AWARDS, FEEL FREE TO TAKE THE OBAMA BUTTON:


1) Sensei at A Guy's Guide to Oprah because he is one funny guy who, once folks find out about him, will kick behind on Humor-Blogs. Sensei is also a fellow Wilco fan, but that in no way influenced my decision.

2) Chris Wood at Chris Wood's Blog. Chris is from across the pond and has a sharp wit and a sharp tongue. I admit when I think about him saying words like arses or fuckwitt in a British accent, it's a bit of a turn on.

3) Unfinished Dude at Unfinished Rambling(s) because he's one
H- E - double toothpicks of a rapper. Actually I'm just getting back at him for making fun of my kid in his recent post.



If you like "talk singing", Bob Dylan, or British accents, visit Humor-Blogs and VOTE for this post.


And please deaf folks, no hate mail. Been There. Done That.

OK. OK. It was Neil Diamond hate mail. Still….

The Times They Are A Changin'

Not only do we have a women, an African American and an old guy running for president, but for the first time a rock musician was awarded an honorary Pulitzer. The prize went to Bob Dylan for his "profound impact on popular music and American culture."


Congratulations Bob!

But back to the old guy running for president. Seems like a decent fellow, but I do have a few issues with John McCain:



First, he is (as mentioned) OLD. I've got nothing against old people--my husband is old-- it's just that I'm NOT OLD and I already have too many senior moments. So what will happen when President McCain does something like walk into room where a peace summit is taking place and forgets what he went in there for?

The second reason I have reservations about McCain is: HE'S NOT FOR PEACE!

I could go on, but Hamell on Trial (composer of Songs For Parents Who Do Drugs) sings it so much better: This is called Strolling in Bagdad.