My Goodness, My Guinness (Toast)

A few years ago I found myself in an Irish pub during a Guinness Toast contest. Not to be outdone by any 21-year old punks, I began scribbling furiously. When I went up to the mic to read--little did those punks know I was the winner of the Sub Shop's Poetry Slam (a cash prize of $7.34)--I used my official poet's cadence:

Here's a toast to you beers that just will not do.

To you so weak in flavor, make me insides turn blue.

To you Mic, to you Bud, to you Miller Lite,

Your dreadfully tame taste makes me stomach take flight.

To your pitiful odor, to your flat, foamless head,

Your piss-yellow color, makes me wish I were dead.

To you losers, you failures, I'm pouring you out.

So long forever.

For me...Guinness Stout.


After I read, the audience erupted in cheers. I won first place--the prize being this official Guinness hat, which Donkey can't seem to part with in spite of Teen's attempt to wear it to school:

Posted at Humor-Blogs.