Wednesday, August 27, 2008

On I'm a Techno Retard

It’s amazing that you’re reading this post. Really. Cause I am a Techno Retard and not a PC one (politically correct one, that is). I find myself totally confused about all things computer.

I don't know my uploads from my downloads,

my photo shop from my photo bucket,

my Quicktime from my MP3CPO.

You know the RSS—Real Simple Syndication? For me, it isn't.

As a blogger, I have issues. For example, I remain manipulation-less.

While some bloggers host caption contests with photos crafted from expensive software, me, I take my dolls off the shelves and contort them in strange ways on my dining room table.

And this can be a pain with the talent. Would Sonny appear without Cher? Would Fonze get a complex for being confused with the Six Million Dollar Man?

Plus it prompts a bevy of questions from the stream of 10-year old boys passing through on their way to the Mario Den. I grow tired of telling them, "ASK YOUR HEALTH TEACHER."

I also don’t scan.

See this photo of me and Alice Cooper: It’s a digital photo of a photo.

Yep, that's how I roll. I mean click.

Another thing I don’t do is Stumble.

Or rather, I stumbled many times trying to install the frickin’ code.

The directions stated to place the code on line 663. I tried the sophisticated method of measuring 10 lines as a scale and then using it to scroll down the HTML -- High, Totally (high) Maintenence Language or Hideous, Torturous, Maddening Language or Horrible, Terrible (very) Mad Lingo.

But I kept getting interrupted by my kids asking the most inane questions. Mom, can you sign this emergency medical form? Mom, did you make out the lunch order yet? Mom, isn't it time for the soccer game?

I finally lost count and today remain thumbless.

But who needs these fancy programs anyway? Recently, out of fancy button-envy, I figured I could Quickdraw the old-fashioned way--by hand.

I placed my John Cusack finger puppet on a white sheet of paper and then wrote my email in a Sharpie and took a photo of it. I did this six times trying to get all words straight on the diagonal. It wasn't until 9:45 pm when Ten-Year asked what was for dinner, I was forced to settle on this one:

And it worked just fine. This button was up on my site, begging for mail.

Until last week.

I got a comment on my blog from someone named Diesel (although I suspect his real name is something common like Bob) that informed me my name was misspelled.


My name on the email button is: pegcyher

My name is real life is: pegcypher

I misspelled my own name!!!!

So you see why I love Jeff Deck?

You see why I abandoned my first blog because of the misspelled 'surburban'?

You see why my editor, Linda, awarded me this trophy?

But it's not a disregard. It's that I'm a retard. That simple.

Still, there is one thing I'm working on. I figure if I use in my post title, Google has a better chance of finding me. I noticed that Predator Press did this.

Yeah!!! It worked!!!!

Meanwhile, make a semi-retard's day and click the smiley at Humor-Blogs.